My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
