On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
