Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
