i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My liver just had a heart attack.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
