I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
