I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
