your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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