Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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