The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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