She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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