I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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