Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
