RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
