He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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