my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
