she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
