Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
