I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
