I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
