I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
