Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Boobs speak an international language.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
this hospital has no fireball
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
