If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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