Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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