There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
