I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
