did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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