eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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