it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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