You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
