got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
