I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
