we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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