She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
