I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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