When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
