Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
