the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
