Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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