he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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