I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
