you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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