Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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