So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There's always time for handjobs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
