I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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