finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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