No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
