I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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