this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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