The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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