I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
