and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
